I got divorced in my thirties with three kids. And then my ex husband passed away. It’s been four years since he passed away from complications of Type 1 diabetes and Addison’s disease.
He was 40. I was 38.
We had good years. But our marriage was also extremely difficult. And after our marriage ended he had difficulty holding in what I had experienced quietly and behind the scenes with him for many years.
Today marks four years since he passed away. And today honestly felt like any other day. Maybe I was so busy I didn’t have much time to think. But I was still on edge. Wondering if the kids would call or if I would need to leave work and rush to the aide of one of the kids. I’m always prepared for anything and everything. I made sure the phone stayed tied to me all day.
You never know what emotions will come. They just do. And you never know what they will bring.
It’s ever changing. Some years I feel anger. Some sadness. Today it was anxiety.
I finally got a minute to just sit with my emotions while running tonight. It was surprising that I had gone almost all day and not really felt like it was anything other than an ordinary day. A wall of dark clouds was barreling towards me during my run. As I watched the clouds barrel and inch closer I kept hoping I’d get back to pick up my daughter from dance in time before the storm hit.
I was so focused on the clouds that when I stepped into the street to jog across I heard the screech of car tires. I immediately started to experience panic as my eyes darted to see the source of the noise. Another car had stopped for a biker who crossed the road opposite me.
The screeching of tires sent me into a tailspin. I was having trouble breathing. My chest was feeling tighter. Immediately I heard the revving of your truck engine and the sinister laugh as you noisily peeled away, screeching your tires. You liked to remind me that even with protection in place I should remember that at any time and anywhere you could and would show up.
I slowed to a walk for a few minutes to catch my breath and try to let the panic and memories pass. I thought I was doing better! Today ALMOST felt normal!
I almost got to forget today.
Once again I got reminded that there will never be normal days.
Instead I allowed myself to hope you got to see how far I’ve come.
Four years later there are still so many unanswered questions that continue to come up.
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GRIEF AT THREE YEARS