On a recent Facebook group post, I saw a post that said, “Ex Death Not SAD! Is it normal to not feel bad when your ex passes away? I lost my emotionally abusive husband. But I seriously don’t understand these tears! Maybe it’s the loneliness. Maybe it’s the raising the kids on my own. Maybe…”
Is This Normal to Not Be Sad?
The truth is, there is no right or wrong answer to this question. Everyone grieves differently, and there is no one-size-fits-all response to the death of a loved one. You may feel a deep sense of loss and sadness, while others may feel relief or even anger. It’s important to remember that there is no right or wrong way to feel, and you should allow yourself to grieve in whatever way feels natural to you.
For me, I went through a range of emotions. On one hand it was a relief to NOT be dealing with court dates. To have to go in and see him slowly falling apart in front of me at every court appearance. The last few years my husband and I were together were tumultuous. They were also years I started to see more and more pieces of him that were scary. It wasn’t until I made the decision to leave that I saw what I had been going through. The divorce wasn’t the end for me. The abuse just ramped up and not the kids or I now were safe from it. I worried if I should go back so the kids wouldn’t suffer from it. I worried about his mental state. I worried about mine and how much more I could take. I worried about the kids. I pretty much worrried all the time.
When my ex passed, I found myself going through so many difficult emotions. I was sad. I was grieving. But there also was this…release. A feeling that I was able to let go and not have to deal with that aspect of things anymore. There were days the sadness and grief was overwhelming and other days it wasn’t.
Why Am I Not Feeling Sad?
Was it a Positive or Negative Relationship?
Did the relationship end badly? If the relationship ended on a sour note, you may not feel sad. If there was infidelity or abuse this might be the case. In these cases, you may have already processed your emotions and come to terms with the end of the relationship, and therefore may not feel particularly affected by your ex’s death.
Was it a Meaningful Relationship?
Another reason you may not feel sad if your ex passes away is that the relationship was not particularly significant or meaningful. People come in and out of our lives all the time, and not every person we date or have a romantic relationship with will have a lasting impact on us. If the relationship with your ex was brief or casual, it is possible that you may have not developed strong enough feelings towards them to feel saddened by their passing.
What were the circumstances of your exes death?
It is also important to consider the circumstances of your ex’s death. If your ex passed away as a result of a long-term illness or after a long and painful struggle, you might feel a sense of relief that your ex is no longer suffering. In these cases, you may not feel sad but may still feel a sense of empathy or compassion for your ex and their loved ones.
On the other hand, if your ex passes away suddenly or unexpectedly, you may experience a range of conflicting emotions, including shock, disbelief, and confusion. In these cases, it is normal for you to maybe need time to process your emotions and come to terms with the loss.
Here are some things to keep in mind if you’re not feeling bad about your ex’s death:
- It’s okay to feel relieved. If your relationship was abusive or toxic, it’s perfectly normal to feel relieved that your ex is no longer in your life.
- You don’t have to feel guilty. Just because you’re not feeling sad doesn’t mean that you didn’t love your ex or that you’re a bad person. Grief is a complex emotion, and it manifests itself in different ways for different people.
- You’re not alone. Many people have experienced the death of an ex, and they can offer support and understanding. There are also many online resources and support groups for widows of divorce available.